Just Another DAy

Ah what did i do today that is so special that i have to blog about? lol...NOTHING!! thats the thing... As usual i woke up, washed up, went down, walked the dog, cleaned up his mess, mop the whole of downstairs, made breakfast ( oo yea i did make breakfast), then watched tv till my mom came back... Then went to the ENT (ear,nose, throat) doc and got a second opinion on my lump...

Went in and found a friendly looking doc there...All smiley and stuff...made me comfortable...Then he started checking the lump...Ask me to go into another room and da da daaaan the same procedure!!! Sticking a long tube into my nose!! I was hoping i did not have to do that since i did it last time but Nooooo..I had too... SO i laid on the bed and he stuffed the tube right into my nose!! Yuck and ouch!!! and into my throat!! gag and yuck!! Then its done....haih...

Im fine...the lump may be due to infection...an operation is not necessary yet... I just have to monitor it if it gets bigger then the operation is needed so far I can just let it be...Yay!!

So then went to Jusco to shape my eyebrows lol and then to cut my hair...I hate that hairdresser! Firstly she never cuts the style i want to, Secondly she is so inconsistent!! Now my hair is too short and thin!!! Like i needed that...haih..i really need to change my hairdresser!! But the hair wash was relaxing!! I needed that...

Hm then in summary, posters ( ooo i did 5!! and im proud of it) btw its a favor that im doing for my friends for this competition on NIE...so campaign thingy and they needed posters...oh then dinner,dishes, pasar malam,friends, online and prob more friends and then bedtime...lol

Isn't this interesting...*grins sarcastically* wooohoo cant wait for tmrw...=)
*hugz and kisses*

Eek!! An operation?!!

Haih just about a year back, I found a lump slightly below my right ear and it has been growing since...Now it is the size of a small fishball and it is quite visible...Parents did take me to see a speacialist and she gave me some med but said it was nothing dangerous, and some people do have them due to sinus or some infection which cost bateria to disturb the lymph nodes and stuff le...

So anyhow the story sorta ended, but then recently my mom realised it got bigger and started to get more worried when she was at the salon and people were talking about it.. It seems this kinda cases are common but the people just go for the operation to remove it just to be on the save side so knowing her believing everything she hears insist that i go for an operation now...eek!!! I hate hospitals!! The thought of an operation is making me sick...But funny im not really worried about the operation or whether the lump is anything harmful or not ( for i did not go for a scan yet) what scares me more is staying alone in the hospital...haih... and then as everyone knows...the hospital bill.... I have insurans but haih u know the shit they put you through le...

I dun wanna i dun wanna!!! argh its ruinin my holidays!!!

Man of Action or Words?

I was browsing through a copy of Elle magazine when I came across an article written by Michelle Bong titled More Than Words. It caught my attention and I would like to add on with my opinions and viewpoints.

The writer started by defining how love is in the modern times for women, most women wants a man of action. One who would sweeps us off our feet by carrying our groceries, and surprising us with romantic dinners and impromptu weekends in Bali. But sometimes, the “all action no talk” style can be detrimental. There is nothing quite like a man who can dig deep, articulate his feelings and speak from the heart, as she says. An articulate man as she defined is one who can move his woman by telling her what she wants to hear and mean it too.

It’s sad to say that most men can’t bring themselves to speak of love, so it’s unfortunate to say that the era of love letters, and dates which consist of moonlit strolls in the park or a shared milkshake is beyond it. Which words would one prefer? “ Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, or a simple “ I luv you” on the sms? Well most would say it’s the delivery that counts. Well I am not taking sides.

In my opinion both are equally important, you can’t have one without the other. Too much of one would also upset the other. Therefore both in good dosage is what a woman needs. Let’s start with a man of action, yes your man would be there to take you out for romantic dinning and shower you with gifts but is a close shell. How is a relationship to work when there is no communication? When I said words I don’t mean words of Shakespeare or corny ones but meaningful words, words from the heart that one actually means. Besides the exchange of words, communication is, like I kept emphasizing is important! Talking about life, what’s going on in one’s life, the family and friends is a part of communication and it is baby steps to a good relationship. It strengthens things more then any gift one can afford to buy. For material things could never replace communication between two loving couples and make up for the lost time between two couples.

But this does not mean action is all bad. Who would not like a man who would take charge once in awhile, who would make the decisions and be there, a strong wall when all seems hopeless? How about a man of words? One which showers you with sweet words, quotes from “Shakespeare” that will bring you back in time where poetry is the way to a woman’s heart. But what if he does not mean it? What if its pure words, a horrible way of wooing the helpless and the desperate? How about a great guy who always plans to take you somewhere but never got to doing it? Promises you things and never fulfilling it? Should have, could have, and would have… things that people promise or would want to do but due to some reasons never get to doing so. To some extent it discourages people and hope looses its meaning. Empty promises would be the word to describe it.

So there you have it the pros and cons of a man of action and a man of words. Like I said before I personally prefer a little bit of both, a man who can communicate with me and tells me what is in his heart, what is he thinking about, be romantic and charming when it is necessary and also a man who would stand up and make decisions, be a man and does what he promises to do.
=P ( Proud to be read)

To Be or Not To Be; That is the question!

Well as you can see in my title and in the words of Hamlet, to be or not to be? To me this is really ambiguous for it really depends on the situation. But right now the only thing that’s for sure in my life is… gosh I have no idea. For many people it would be an easy question to be answered.” I would finish my medical studies and graduate as a doctor/surgeon and live a perfect live with a perfect husband”

As for me, I am currently doing Mass Communication and majoring in Public Relations and am already in my fifth semester and suddenly I find myself getting hit with something…reality… Is this really what I want to be doing? As in Mass Communication? I don’t see myself as a journalist as much as I love the fact that my articles and my thoughts would be published and be read by people.. and I dun really see myself in advertising either… I am not creative! Now how abt public relations? Gosh I have to deal with people… I am actually a naturally shy person when it comes to the first impressions.. I dun usually do well.. In Public Relations one have to be strong-witted, hard headed, confident, up and about and I am still lacking of the above… still the same ole lazing me…

Why the sudden thoughts you may think? Well I have been compared to people continuously in my whole lifetime by my mom… Somehow its never enough for her, my results, my achievements are just acknowledged by a nod and sometimes rewards but my failures will be bombarded with lectures and comparisons to my better off friends and relatives… One day after talking to my friend about how she is leaving soon made me realized that all around me my friends have what you may call high ambitions and high aims in life! In my group of high schoolmates I have 5 studying to be doctors, about 4 going for engineering, one a dentist, one a lawyer this is to sum up how high flying careers they are aiming for and some are already on the track… And then my mom had to make a comment about how when there is a high school reunion and everyone is back to “show off” their achievements and if I am not doing well, would I have the face to show up during the reunion when everyone is doing so well on their own?

The thing is I don’t see myself as a doctor nor a lawyer nor an engineer. I am not too sure what I want but Mass Comm seems the best choice rite now. The closest to what might be my interest but my mom doesn’t seem to see it and till now I can see that she still disapproves it and hope that I do something better… She is dampening my spirits plus after talking to a cousin of mine who is also doing Mass Comm, she majored in Public Relations then opt to Journalism and now she is doing her industrial training for VIDA and a few of her articles are being published in the mag, she have seen celebs, been to launches, basically been there done that and I wonder to myself would I be doing that? Can I do that?? Am I capable of it? Well not the writing part but being out there and doing what a Mass Commer should do.. But if it is not Mass Comm then what else?!

I feel so lost right now.. I am one who wants it big, a high flying career, independent, and enjoying the fruits of my labor but looking at my slacking self rite now I am doubting it. My mom keeps on saying how I don’t aim higher then what I have right now I seem to be happy with my I have but I am actually not. Only at moments like this do I have a sudden burst of inspiration to do way better to aim for the stars and pull myself together but after I switch off this com it goes back to slacking and when college reopens, studying last minute… going out too often, last minute work…gosh!!
I am really lost and I really don’t know what to do with my life!!

As my title says and so does Hamlet ‘to be a Mass Commer or not to be; that is the question!’

My future is but a thick fog; uncertain..a wrong move and it would be detrimental, a right one and I’ll be satisfied…

(Proud to be read)

Waiting just waiting

Finally i have left KLIA and now im waiting in the Changi airport for my next flight to Melbourne at 10.40pm.... Lots of waiting..kinda getting bored. My sis and i was walking around the airport and found the free internet usage booth so we got excited and started hogging...lol

Looks like my time is gonna be up... Just wanna say hi and that i miss everyone back at home and just too bad you guys have to be stuck in Malaysia while im here enjoying the nice weather and most definately cute guys!!!! hehe... will update soon...muaks!!!

Few more hours to go till Aussie baby!!!

Like the title stated im going Aussie!! But before i can get excited to go i have not even start packing...My sis already packed..Hm shows my enthusiasm... Weirdly i am not really excited about the trip.. PArtly i guess the idea has not sunk in yet that its tmrw, more like few more hours away and partly i have some unfinished business... Ok it is not as horrible as it sounds le but i have some matters with a close friend that i have not settled and i wanna before i leave.. I want things to be like before when we can talk the whole night away, so carefree...now all we have is awkwardness around us, a formality n it sucks to the max... I just cant let it go because of what we have been through and he means so much to me and yet i seem to be hurting everytime.. Now it is his turn to burst and not be able to handle it and ironically it is all that i felt last time when i could not take it anymore but somehow in his case im the one who is wrong and the saddest part is he keeps saying things wont be like before and he is so fed up ( i hate that word..it keeps ringing in my head) with everything, sick of getting hurt and not being appreciated...

We talked actually, kinda settled it but then he had another outburst which looks like everything is back to before... I really feel hopeless, I don't know what to do to make things better when i want it to so badly... He seems cold and distance already to me and it hurts so bad.. I actually asked myself do i really have to loose him? will things be like it was before?? I can never know for it is up to him to allow it or not. For me i am oh so ready to change and correct things so that they will be like before but for him, he seems to be giving up and to not giving me a chance and i don't know what i can do but to hope and pray. Its up to him... if he could just let everything be and see how it progress im sure we will end up like before... haih... im leaving malaysia with a heavy heart knowing things are not settled here... Not too sure if i can totally enjoy my holidays but then again i do need them.

Oh well, i have a long holiday up ahead, 2 months to be excat.. dunno what to do..should i work or should i waste my life away sleeping hehe... im doing so well in that... everyone is going holidays!! my dear is going to KK too on the same day somemore...what a conincidence...will miss him too..and i cant contact him..haih... heck i have to sleep already...will update y'all on my trip! PICS!! muaks!!

Finals are over and Da Vinci Code was a failure

Finally after all the slogging Semester 4 ended!! No more assignments, no more quizes, no more events and most of all no more exams!!! Its all over?!! And what did i do on the night after my exams?!! Sleep! ish...lol at first the plans was to go clubbing at Q Bar then haih some probs came up and ended up i was torn in two again to either go drinking with rad, sneha,jason and stuart at Alexis's place in Bangsar or just hang around with Nadeem n Van.. but before i could decide i had to wait for Leon for he was helping Mr Phua with something.. For two days.. When the fella finally finished he came to my place showered and knocked out...gosh!! So what can i do but stay in and watch movies.. hmph...oh well he was darn tired nway... then what did i do the next day?!! basically my days were spent sleeping like a pig and not doing much. Great way to start my hols oh btw during our examination the lecturer was nice enought to tell us that our holidays is extended till July 17!! Two freakin whole months!! what am i suppose to do?!!

Nway on Friday believe it or not Eli and Zhi came to KL to chill and hang around!! Their parents actually allowed them too. So the night before i went to my dad's place to buy my NEW phone!! hehe Sony Ericsson W550i played with it the whole night then the next morning chilled around for awhile then went to pudu to pick them up. Then we went Mid Valley to shop!! oh and to get the tics for the movie DA VINCI CODE. Went to eat at burger king laughed at the fact that zhi was so excited about the drink dispenser machine then went SHOPPING!! lol then later at night Leon came and picked us up and brought us to Asia CAfe for supper and to let zhi and eli see the ever so famous Asia Cafe. Went back then crashed hehe.

The next day, Zhi's aunt sent her driver to pick us up and bring us back to her place to see her new house which is an apartment suite and oh my gosh its HUGE!! Three stories high and the deco around the house! I cant even begin to describe it. The lower ground floor there is a pool table ( haha leon would go crazy) drum sets and all then their rooms are all HUGE HUGE with tvs and all...haih... oh btw ZHi's aunt is damn hot.. lol gorgeous looking... so nway we went to LOT 10 for lunch at some Hong Kong style resturant and we had an overload of dumplings.!! the aunt ordered soo many diff dishes and they all had dumplings..hehe

After lunch Zhi's aunt and her son went back and left her driver at our expense!! gosh... so we walked around lot 10.. did SHOPPING!! then at 5 met the driver and he took us to ONE Utama where more SHOPPING was involve till Leon came and joined us then went back to freshen up and take the tics which ZHi forgot to bring along..Dinner at drive thru coz we were late for movie. Rushed to Mid Valley, got snacks then waited in line for the much anticipated movie The Da Vinci Code. Inside i sat next to Leon which Zhi sat next to Eli behind us. The movie started and i was so excited... as it progressed i got more and more disappointed. It might be the environment or something but i hated the actors.. even Tom Hanks.. Mind you i read the book one too many times so i know the characters throughly and all of them dun play their roles well...sniff sniff... plus half the movie was in french and there werent english translation to it!! ish so i had to read the Malay Subtitles. The flow of the movie was ok only... There was barely an suspense!! I got more thrill reading the book!! At some point it gotten boring and i hate the fact that they (the producers) were rushing to fit everything in that the important parts were not given att.. I hate the fact that they showed how easily Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu solved the problems and clues like it was an everyday thing. They barely show any of the cryptology skills either like deciphering codes and all. All the showed was Robert Langdon looking off into space and poof he gets it!! haih... a disapointment...For those who have not read it they wont understand a thing also le. Would be confusing..Haih i waited for a whole year and the passion i have for the book all came crushing down.. and oh yea when i came back i found out that my church;s priet gave a speech and encourage catholics not to watch it.. my parents decided not to watch and even my little sis decided not to watch!! gosh!! make me feel bad now!! double ish!!

oh well i better stop my ranting for my faithful readers especially *ahem* leon would say i am long winded...hmph!! i will rant on in another post then!
tataz!

Orientation Night 5th May 2006

Another orientation night for the new intakes of Taylors’ College Petaling Jaya. This time the theme for the night is Beach Party. As usual we were asked to perform and we did an upbeat song called Babughi ( lol I dunno the actual spelling sorry if im wrong) wearing parios for once something colourful and bright instead of our usual black top. The event started at 7.30pm and the students mostly came casual but some dressed up very beachy, with wrap – arounds, some even with straw hats, surf shorts and slippers lol.

Our performance was the last as usual, closing performance. So most of the time we were just walking around nervously. What I was disappointed about was that I could not enjoy the food served! It was served from The School Of Hospitality and Tourism. The food looks good! I heard there were salmon, chocolate cakes, and lots more food. Reason why I did not eat? Well I was gonna perform and I cant possibly perform with a full stomach now can I?
The performances were, capoiera dance by some students, it’s the launching of the new capoiera club.( I wanna join), lucky draw, magic show, a dance competition ( minor one random dancing) and our performance. Sadly by the time our performance was up many people went back because it was too stuffy in the hall and I guess they were bored or their only intentions of coming were for the free food. Hmph. I was actually a bit disappointed with a friend of mine too. I was so glad he decided to come for the event after much persuasion but he did not stay for long. Half the time he was upstairs then I saw him going off with a few friends before my performance. Was disappointed he did not see my performance but oh well..it is his choice.. At least my other friend stayed for the whole thing no matter how boring the event was and I really appreciate it.

When we were up, the crowd was cheering like anything! They turned off the lights and the disco lights were on…whoa the effect.. The crowd was encouraging therefore we all felt good and I think we did well.. Then there was free dancing and the event ended.. Oh my friend managed to snatched me a goodie bag and whoa the things in there, coasters, two celcom starter kit, a mini portable radio also by celcom, some biscuits, biore men’s facial wash ( no use for me) hm that’s about it. Ooo Btw they were just handing out gifts halfway through the event and I manage to get a T-shirt and Ponds whitening cream…hehe ..eh I have to fight for it ok and was pushed badly by someone… but I got it!!

Then its Asia Café for dinner.. I was starving!! Then chilled for a while with the usual gang plus extra people, there were Vanessa, Nadeem, Sneha, Rad, Jason, Stuart, Charlene ( his gf), Jit, Melcom, Leon and me. After dinner I went back and knocked out.. Was darn tired.. Another day ended.
Tataz!

The students and the buffet table...

Group pic all in beach wear!

Group dinner at Asia Cafe

Youth Ball 2006 @ Klang

On the 30th April 2006, we attended our first dance competition which is held by a catholic church’s youth community. Actually this is how it goes, our friend Stuart from the Hotel school asked us a favor to take part in the dance competition held by his church. But we had to pay RM30 and as usual Nadeem jump at the opportunity so yea we took part. It was held all the way in Klang and at some hotel’s ballroom. It was grand, the setting and all.. So we went there early as usual, test the stage out, did our makeup and hair and chilled around. We got a table to ourselves and then the event started with a speech from ‘father’ and live band performances. They were sooo good. Stuart’s band took part too and they say Mr. Brightside, Far Away! And one more…can’t remember now…
Then there were singing competition too. Actually there were three girls who stood out, one sang a song by Shakira, the other My Valentine ( I totally melt) and the last sang Hero by Mariah Carey. She was good too but the decision is made by audience choice so the girl who sang My Valentine won. Then came our dance competition. I found out we were only against another group just the two of us so it’s either winning or loosing. Eek!!! We were up first, and we performed sirichi sirichi while the other did a compilation of few songs, the guy was really good but it was more to free dancing rather then choreographed steps. Anyway in the end, The other group won…..we got second as I would like to call it..hehe =P we walked away with a trophy and goodie bags..hehe..
Another great experience, going to a new place, meeting people, and learning.. oh the food was bad btw..horrible..buffet style but gosh bad…sniff sniff. Money wasted.. but great experience!!
Tataz!

The hall all decorated and dimly litted

Stuart, Sneha and me

Dancing on stage. The end pose.

We got 2nd place!

01.02.03.04.05.06

Read this in the newspaper? I’m sure you all have.. At precisely 1hour 2 minutes 3 seconds after midnight on the 4th of May 2006 the numbers will read 01.02.03.04.05 and this will happen only once in each century and we were lucky enough to be able to experience it in our lifetime!
As usual, these kinda events got me all excited. I remembered I did not get to celebrate the millennium for I was too young and to my parents these kinda events are no big deal. I was disappointed but oh well that is over so for this event I got really excited and wanted to do something special. I wanted to either go drinking with a big group of friends or just do something special. But unfortunately this falls on a weekday and the next day we have classes and I guess not many people were so excited as I was so we did not end up drinking or anything but hey I went out with my little group of friends, we went for MI III which btw was a really good movie, then went to Asia Café for dinner and played some pool then finally went to Ah boy ( a mamak stall nearby Rid) to yam cha and kept checking our watches… Finally the time came and we all made our wishes and hug. Nothing special but I was glad I was with my friends and we had a good time even though it was nothing out of the ordinary.
So what did you do??!! Share with me any interesting memorable experience you had!

A little update from where i left off...

Well this would not be a little update.. Somehow there seem to be a lot to catch up on but i can only do as much based on my memory power so forgive me... Before i start I want to vent out my frustration that this would be the second time i am writing this!! Ok now back to the updates. I have not been back to Ipoh for more then 4 weeks, been busy with so many performances, events, exams,assignments..the list goes on and on..
First there was my mid semester examination...gosh dun ask.... just thought of mentioning what kept me away for that weekend.

Then came the charity dinner for A Woman's Aid organization which was organized by the Semester 6 students and they were my friends therefore i had to go support them. It was at Mango Tree and the tics were at RM 60!! lol..but the food was nice, fine dining but buffet style..lol Italian cuisine!! hehe...the place was nice but we ended up at the garden area, All in all not a bad event and they manage to raise more then they estimated!! Well done!! My turn soon =s

Then came a performance at Rawang, this is a performance for (believe it or not) a TUITION center's high achievers!! It was a buffet dinner in a big hall and parents, teachers and students were sitted together... We performed two songs, gemini, gemini, and halla rei and the others performed asmaradana. By the end of the day there was this lucky draw session and ooo guess what i got a gift!! an iron! lol and then sneha got a hamper!! followed by Nadeem!! the mother and her two daughters!! what luck!! People probably think it was jinx or something for so many people at our table got something...tee hee... Then when we were about to go back our lecturer told us, they are paying us RM 400 which we divided among ourselves and ended up each got like RM34 (dun ask about the 4). Oh btw we went to Mr Kumar's house and its nice...not bad!! lol...

The following week was our event!! Mass Colympics which was held at 3K Sports Center for those who did not know and it was a sporting event for the Mass Commers and their lecturers. After weeks of planning and stuff it was finally here!! the event went well i would have to say... Turn up was not bad and i think the people had fun...din u guys?! Oh well the whole day was running up and down doing this doing that, and ooo by the end of the day it started raining like anything!!! pouring!! i was drench wet!!! hehe been long since i got wet by the rain.... Had to clean up and close the event.... was sick for two days!! lol but alls good...I'll let the pictures explain themselves.. Im glad i had the opportunity to organize this event...was an experience..Thanks guys for supporting us!!!

The warm up session, lead by representatives from Fitness First gym.












The tug-of-war session








The obstacle course














Our sem 4 cheerleaders!!! lol












our lecturers all hype up in the game!!











Our IDTP lecturer! Mr Phua "good luck to you" Smile for the camera!!








The organizers, Sem 4 Public Relations students...
All ten of us...

Then the following week, Indian Cultural Society had an event for the upcoming Tamil New Year. I had to perform 4 songs to fit in the space..was darn tiring... but the event was nice...there were food, people selling bindis and bangles and lots more... A colourful event!!

Well thats as far as i can remember for now...On the 30th of April we have another competition..It's a church event and my friend invited us to take part so we'll see... Then on the 5th May there is another performance for the newcomers Orientation..hehe....busy busy..no point in me complaining about my assignments for it would be boring and whiny....but to sum it up i did not sleep for many nights...not in a row le... but still....Been sooo busy!! oh well now i gotta bath my dog, help my sis with her bday party, do IDTP!! Im back in ipoh and i cant enjoy myself! argh!! before i know it i have to go back kl! ish...

tataz!!

Self esteem -Narcissism or humility

Well what is self esteem we would ask? how is it properly defined? WEll according to wikipedia, self esteem or self-worth includes a person's subjective appraisal of himself or herself as positive or negative to some degree.Or as social psychology would define it, as how we, the people preview ourselves and carry ourselves about. Is it important one might ask? In my opinion, it does matter for it plays an important role in our life. Someone with a very high self esteem of himself or herself can be confident and proud and be viewed as a narcissis by other people or in other words a bitch? BUt at least he or she knows what he wants in life and is sure of getting it. But when it comes to someone with very low self esteem of himself or herself, one would be insecure, paranoid and this gives other people the opportunity to walk all over you and push you around and take advantage of you.
Therefore self esteem must be well balanced out both with a little narcissism and humility, to create a well balance person. Hm... unfortunately i cant apply it to me...My self esteem of myself is below average...And it somehow decreases whenever i am around people who are so confident of themselves... holding their head up high and knowing they look good and r sure of getting things they set their mind on. I really do admire these kinda people and really hope i can be like them one day... I always think i am a simple jane and somehow feel that i loose out to the more confident people. I feel so small next to them. I don't know how to act whenever i am around them and it sucks more because i am around them almost everyday.... Is it as easy as pulling myself up and changing my perception and being more confident? hm mayb.... and i am trying...but can't blame me with recent issues my self esteem drop even lower... I was used and made a fool ! and i fell for it. I was so depressed and din have anyone to turn too..And thanks to him i feel so low and insecure right now...haih...but im getting over it..as usual pulling myself through again..=)
This whole self esteem thingy is an issue now for me... Trying to bring it back up..Im worth it...Im nice, easy going, talkative, i care for people..somethings too much, humble...hm..Im worth it!!! =) lol..sounds like some self inspiring blog...lol..heck we need it once in a while to make us feel better because some people are just out there to make u feel bad about yourself and bring down your self esteem...Oh well enough of this..Im stuck here blogging while sneha, rad and nadeem are cuddling outside in blankets watching a horror film and i wanna join already!!! im freezing here too!
tataz!!












The picture one the left is narcissis gazing at his reflection in the river admiring his looks and the picture on the right his Jesus being so humble he is washing the feet of a normal villager despite his status... narcissism versus humility

I get misunderstood and taken for granted!

I get misunderstood!!! People don't understand me and it hurts me so when they make false judegement about me. Everything that i am commited to do i have given a 100% and only once in a while i slack off and due to that people use that against me and blame me and conveniently forget about the things i HAVE done. I am only human why is it that my mistakes are always a big blaring red sign saying blame me i have made a mistake and the things i have done and worked for is easily forgotten? Why am i always blamed for what other people do ?? And then they conveniently blame the group and not that particular individual??
Right now whats on my mind is my dance practises...It hurts me so that my choreographer is mad and actually posted a bulletin complaining about how he has to go around asking us to go for dance practises and he is mad that we always involve our personal issues and tiredness when it comes to dance! It frustrates me so, because in actual truth I AM always the one there first, waiting to dance and when it comes to the practises i actually do the whole routine properly without messing much up with full energy... I never go for cigarrete breaks and take like a gazillion years to come back i never have my bf there to distract things nor have i throw a tantrum about being too tired and just walked off... I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE.... ok like i said before i am only human...when i am really tired and slack off a bit or ask for a cancelation of the dance practise i get blame to hell!! What really hurt me was that i has hold up by an assignment which i stayed up whole night to do and did not get any sleep, then i had to drag myself to college for classes and to hand in my assignment, a little request of canceling the dance practise ended up to a bitter bulletin on friendster by my chereographer... I was sooo tired.. and it was just a day!!! and if in the past it was always due to good reasons.... when my chereographer has meetings he has to attend i would wait at the mamak for hours for him to be free...sometimes after all the waiting he cancels the practise and all the waiting was in vain. but if i was late for practise for like 5 mins i get messages from him saying its ok you dun have to come its up to u since u take the dance so lightly...etc etc making me feel sooo bad!!! I AM ONLY HUMAN and mind you i have never let my personal issues mix with my dance practises or anything else...It has always been kept inside and i have always put on a facade that i am fine and try to put on a smile so why do i get the blame for other people's fault?!

Why is it that when u go to somewhere new and when u start off close to someone the people automatically judge both of you as one?! two peas in a pot, with the same attitude and behaviour??! I am sooo different from this gal, she has her views and i have my views, and yet people totally forget or not bother to know me and judge me according to her personality? I dun have a identity!!!!! why cant people know me and judge me for who i am and not other people?! and this applies to even my friends... I am being blamed for things i do not do!!!! like i said for the dance I Am ALWAYS THERE! i love dancing!! i give it my all!! ok maybe there are times where i disappoint my chereographer but i am only human and we all make mistakes but i dun think i made that much mistakes and give that much problems till he has to complain about the dancer and include me in the bulletin.... It hurts so much for this judgement... I am being misunderstood and generalised!!! why is it that all the good intentions in me seem to be misread and being pushed around? Do i have to be a bitch to be heard, not to be taken for granted? To be a bitch where i am numb to all feelings and emotions?!! Is that what i have to become to survive in this harsh cruel world?!!

Hurt...Made a fool!

I have realised how vulnerable i have been lately...Coming to Kl i am beginning to loose my identity and to question whether should I change to be " accepted". Smoking, clubbing socializing was never my cup of tea but it seems to be the "in" thing... That is fun and if you don't go along with it, your a mood buster, a wet blanket, "uncool" person. Do i have to give in to be accepted? and how far would i go just to be accepted?! Does it really matter?

Anyhow...lately i have been so vulnerable, wanting someone to be there to care for me and to understand me and to see me as who i am and accept it...in other words i have been" desperate" to look for a good guy... One who would be there for me and cheer me up and support me through anything... and i was a fool enough to believe the words of this guy who ended up treating me like trash... He started off like any guy like him would do with the charming sweet talks and wanting to know me better and all and without a doubt i did admit i was attracted to him for a moment... and was actually living in denial that though my heart tells me he is not right for me but my mind refuse to believe it and want to give him a chance... Well his ex gf wants him back and she has been trying... I dun really know the whole story but few days ago i have not heard or seen from this guy G for some time only to find out from my friends that he has some "family problems" i actually pitied him and wanted to be there for him only to find out that it was not a "family problem" but his ex.... She tried commiting suicide by jumping into a pond...* smirks* got herself admitted into e hospital where her mom and his parents got involved... Makes me wonder how was or how desperate a girl would go to get her bf back.. In my opinion its lame and low of her or is it not? Do you really do somethng like this to get back the one u love? Was it really love? or was it just a competition for her..? I'll never know..

Anyway, when all this is happening he did message me telling me he loves me and that he wont let any shit come between us and no matter how many people try to not make it work he will never let that happen...*Bullshit* in the midst of all this he can message me that.... Then one day, like every other normal day i go to college oblivious of anything that is happening, i suddenly got a phone call from his MOM!!! something abt his phone bill getting high and she noticed he has been messaging me bla bla...cant remember the crap le...and then his ex messaging me saying that she is his gf and that they have been together for 6 months and that he promised her to back off from me and all so she would appreciate it if i stop mesaging him. Mind you i never was the one who started messaging him...He did and after that mesage he still did... Then i got worked up, was angry that he never explained to me what is happening so i messsage him asking for an explaination and he conveniently off his phone. The next day still nothing from him but i got another message from his ex saying something like G only got with me because he was insecure about her because she lied to him a few times so she ask me to not feel all that...wth?!! still nothing from him...then during dinner, my friend showed me a message from him, plz if u see amanda tell her to stop messaging me because i got back with my ex.... HE DID NOT HAVE THE DECENCY TO AT LEAST MESSAGE ME!! he has to message my friend...did not have the decency to at least explain to me!! I would understand you know!! And they call themselves men!!! I feel so used and such a fool....I have seen this coming and yet i let myself be a fool!!!He is not even worth my tears..

Feeling so low right now, wanting my friends to be there and cheer me up but instead they are going clubbing.... In their opinion why am i feeling so down about it? at least we werent in a relationship but i just cant help feeling low...my self esteem abt myself what is left is gone down the drain....feeling so low.... who r my true friends? But of course i wont want them to be stuck with me when they want to go an enjoy themselves rite? Well... ill get over it...i always do...

feeling vulnerable, plz dun hurt me....

I dun know if its the lack of sleep or the stress from everything but lately i have been feeling sooo low....and i dun know who to turn too... A plea for help and silence in response...wandering with no sense of belonging... a white rose on broken glass... paranoid...insecure...longing...

It has been hell....whatever i do seems wrong...whatever i am being faced with is testing my better judgement...people are being mean, selfish, and childish...things are being misunderstood..the longing is growing, the confusion expanding...work is piling, body weighing down, cash-running low, being misjudged, trying to be different, wanting to be accepted, doing my best, focusing, wanting, realization, mad, irritated, missing, self esteem, being hurt, - Fear-

Few words to describe me...Too tired to put it in sentences...would turn out confusing anyway...so why bother!

Performance at UCSI!!

Gosh lately all i can think about is dance dance and more dance...There have been so many offers and we have been so busy. The most recent one was a dance at UCSI as guess performers on their Indian Cultural NIght. We had to go for auditions which we of course got through then on Friday, the last day of exams we had to go back for a full rehearsal and gosh it was like ICS 2 repeating itself!! there wasn't any air cond!!! It was sooo freaking hot!! And there were so many people running here and there increasing the temperature in the hall! God free sauna!! haha Then Sat, woke up, found out ridzuan had no electricity...damn!! had to take all my things to nadeem's place...showered, put on make up and did my hair then we all left for UCSI at about 5..The event only started at 7.45 pm plus and we had to wait for 5 performances before we got our turn.. Was sooo nervous..The hall was full! and oooo guess what!!! Resh MOnu A( is that how u spell his name) was there!! for the lucky draw thingy!! and ooo he was impressed with our dance!! haha...MAY....Be we can perform as back up dancers for his next video clip?! =P haha fat hopes...
Then came our turn! finally!!! lol the response from the audience was great! They were cheering on like anything!! lol...it was great!! Then just sat around till we got really bored coz there were too many singing performances....Got bored plus it was late already therefore we left, had dinner then went home...now im here uploading pics and blogging..haha... I quote nadeem " NEXT practise!! monday!!" unquote! lol that guy never give it a rest! lol...next event...9th April! wooohooo...lol bring it on!!

Dreaming Of You

Selena; Dreaming Of You

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
CHORUS I:
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you ever see me and
I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside would you even care
I just wanna hold you close but so far
All I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day (wait for the day)
And the courage to say
How much I love you (yes I do)
CHORUS II:
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world that I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Bridge:
I can't stop dreaming of you
I can't stop dreaming
I can't stop dreaming of you
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe
That you came up to me and said I love you
I love you too
Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Til tomorrow and for all my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room
Dreaming with you endlessly
[repeat chorus II till fade]

Gosh this song means so much... It is what i am going through or doing right now...lol..anyway i loved this song since i was very young!!! and still do!! nway the second half has yet to happen...

I want to crawl under my comforter and die...

Its 2.17 am and i got an exams coming up tmrw...and for this exam, MArketing believe it or not till now at this hour i am still totally clueless about this subject...Im serious no kidding...absolutely 100% cluless.... Gosh and i cant bring myself to study...I dun have the mood and im to worked up about the things i am going through rite now... It's like someone is testing to see how far i can take it before i actually do something stupid to end it all... I am being tested to my furthest limits and i am beginning to brake under the pressure... God help me! I really do need your guidance right now...
I need someone to tell me what to do.. To guide me because I am already totally lost right now.. everything i decide to do seems to be wrong!! Today i have already been on the verge of tears twice!! Sitting down at starbucks i almost cried!! Wish i did, wish i could just let it all out!! Why is it so confusing? why am i being put through this emotional torture? I am feeling physically, emotionally and mentally drained.. I need my life back...I need to find out who am i and what i want...and get my priorities back in check.... oh gosh....!!!
i cant crap anymore..,my mind is getting blank by the moment...Im exhausted... i like him so... i need to get out of denial...and get over him...

It's 5.11am and im up!

Gosh its finally over!! What a hectic week, and with a snap of my fingers its already over!! haih.... Firstly the performance on 3rd of March in Spice Garden for some Indian event....gosh it turned out to be a social gathering where men gather to get hook up by women... But we were just performers...So half the day we hang out at the terrace waiting for our turn getting bored and me getting irritated with someone...Then Rad overheard a conversation where a man asked the MC lady how much we cost!!! what an insult! argh!!! and gosh the people there we rich snobs!! Looked at us from up and down and some with disapproving looks! whatever.. At least we got paid for performing and its an eye opener for us to the real world, and what kind of people are there... and well we got free liquor from the bar... good news for some so they hit it and gosh...citizen high to citizen low...that night was sucky for me le....i was so irritated and pissed...oh well...
Then we got home, slept and had to get up early for dance audition for UCSI on their Indian culture night.. was so tired. had to travel to Cheras, performed, then went back, me n sneha went to the saloon to wash and blow dry our hair since it is in a bad condition after Friday night's performance, then went back slept for an hour plus then had to get up and get ready for our final performance which is for a Spanish night organised by the Hotel School..Gosh the food served there looked so nice!! the presentation and all...Made me wanna join Hotel School just for it...so nice...Anyway then came our performance and guess what?!!!! I MADE SOO MANY MISTAKES!!! OBVIOUS ONES!!! argh!!! was so depressed!! in front of so many people!! haih..then someone pissed me off again so i was kinda in a bad mood till later that night.. We were served some nice drinks!!! Red wine with some fruits, sherbet!!, Long Island, some other drink and gosh thick chocolate drink with a bit of rum! haha nice nice!!! Then the night is over, and we hang around for a while while they clean up and we sat around and chatted with gary and all...Hey at least my group of friends are expanding...to the Hotel school! hehe..Then we all went to pan bakery to eat then to ridzuan to chit chat then all went back...Now im here typing away coz i cant sleep thanks to the teh ais! argh so im blogging..
Ah finally the whole busy week is over now have to focus on studies coz the exams are coming up...haih..i got one week break! yay! haha...ooo i can sleep without setting the alarm! that is nice! yay.... bored...i love the song by keith urban; tonight i wanna cry...so meaningful! haih.... busy busy le...i need a holiday!! oh well im out le..wanna watch sex n the city then zzzz...
tataz!!

A little summary of what i am going through!!

Well well sem 4 is just a blast!!! I am going through hell right now... lets start with the assignments, i have a crm group assignment which is nt going anywhere because noone is bothered to step up and discuss the next meeting for the assignment, then there is the IDTP assignment which i have not even read what the question is about and it is due this week, Marketing assignment, individual due 11 March where we have to crap up to 10 pages long on multinational organizations and how they overcome problems...crap.. Social Psychology individual assignment, its not so bad bt i haven come about doing it...haih and finally PR assignment which i am almost done just left the report..argh!!!!! And on top of all that i have to practise dance everyday coz we have two performances coming up, one on the 3rd of march for the Cultural night, some party for the international students and the student counsil comitee and the second one is on 4 march for some spanish night for the hotel school...Hope i get food over there! i better!!! hmph...all the effort...been sooo busy ...and oooo to top that up since i am in Public Relations and i volunteered together with 9 other people to take charge over organizing an event. This group is the only group doing it practical whereas the other PR groups just plan and all through theory... So we are organizing the mascolympics something like a sports day... so start all the job of looking for sponsorship, materials, bla bla anyhow i and sneha are in charge of the fun raising...ooo yay! gosh... so firstly we planned on having a movie screening which we will charge about RM 3 per movie..it will be carried out next week...=S so gosh all the planning and asking for permission...then the second fun raiser would be a car wash....gosh heahache headache... all this in the month of march and and MY MID SEMESTER EXAMINATION ARE COMING UP!!! and i haven started studying...gosh i am sooo clueless abt marketing and CRM...fuck!!! haih.... see what i have to go through?!! im going crazy!! and gosh the friends problem...lord help me le...i can only take this much...sniff sniff... oh good its off my chest..now u can sympathize me..! hehe...life!!! oh well and i haven eaten!! argh!!! where is my friend!!!
tataz!!