I finally realise how my friend feels!!! Im getting it back....I know how it feels to like somebody and to have a great time with that someone and realise that it is a two way thing to realise that the one you like doesnt really make an effort to be with you or turns you down when u want to just hang out or go out just to be with his friends.... I finally know how my friend feels...=s and it hurts...like hell... I am in an emotional turbulence an emotional wave that goes up and down and crashing on rocks....
Being with him makes me smile, makes me happy...cheers my day, makes me want to see him everyday and just chat the day away and be with him. I am myself and i feel accepted, he is there when i am down ( well sometimes) and the small little things he says warms my heart... Well sounds nice doesn't it? Life is not candy coated where all is sweet and well.... I want more! i want him to care, i want him to take the initiative to find ways to be with me and to ask me to go out once in a while and to show that i do mean something to him but unfortunately i am not getting any. The many times I look at our schedule to see where we both have the same breaks so we can have lunch, the many times i asked him to join me for lunch was just turned join just so he can be with his friends and im quite sure he doesn't even know my schedule. The many times i ask him to go out only to be turned down again... Just when im feeling all dejected and depressed he comes into my life again and be the guy i know and come to like but does it last? The very next day, we are strangers when we meet... A simple hello is barely exchanged... Why this? why this split personality?
I have always tried to be there for him. Always trying to cheer him up when he is moody, always trying to reach out to him, hoping he would open up but he would never... He never talks about himself and yet sometimes he can get so down till he sees no purpose in life.. It hurts me so to hear him say these kinds of things but what else can i do when all i get is a wall that is standing between him and me?
Thats what i meant by i know how my friend feels. The amount of times i have dissapointed him by turning him down for outings.... and not noticing the simple, sweet things he does for me, how much he cares.... I have never really acknowledge the things he does for me nor the signs but in my defence i do not want to hurt him but it turns out i was hurting him more and i do know how he feels now, going through it myself..being in his shoes for once... The amount of dissapointments...all that i try to do to make him realise only goes to blind eyes... I am being put through this emotional torture and for what i do not know. I do not know why i put up with it and torture myself everyday... he effects me so much till it actually effects my mood for the day... If he was nice to me n we had a great time i would be in a great mood all smilling but he ignores me, or worse walks off on me i would be so depressed till the verge of tears..
Trying to forget him is not simple but i am trying... I am trying to not put so much of my feelings on the line for it most probably would be hurt. Life would be much easier if he remains a good friend..Im so confused, hurt, depressed.. yet everything happens for a reason and i am beginning to strongly believe in it..
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Tasting My Own Medicine..
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3 comments:
hey there! i dunno what really happen over there but from what you said about he didn't join you for lunch and he always being with his friends...maybe he didn't want this to happen, his peers (guy frenz) might be the reason why he's spending so much time with his friends, im not sure if you get me, his friends might the one pestering him not to mix around with you, im not saying that this is what actually happens, it's just opinion, i mean maybe his friends are jealous with the relationship you and the guy shared, this could happen... but there's always another reason, maybe he thinks he's not good enough for you, and the only way to forget you or avoiding you is to be with his friends...maybe and maybe not! This explain the time when you're sad and he's there for you again, maybe he didn't want you to fell sad or he cannot really forget about you, you understand?!
From what i know, guys are really secretive as in not open enough to share his stories or problems with other people, maybe he's not ready to tell you his story or his background to you maybe because it's wayyyyy personal to let anyone know, you can't blame yourself for that, it depends on the individual. Well, maybe he do talks bout himself but to somebody else instead of you, no offence, im just saying maybe.... Some people whom I know find it comfortable to talk bout himself with someone from the same gender (i think im starting to crap here) i mean there's a posibility he's doing that. You were able to put up with his kind of attitude because you really like him and you really want to give him a chance. Im sure he got his own reason for being such a jerk. Maybe you and him can discuss this mattter out? But i have to warn you, this kind of discussion can turn ugly if it didn't turn out the way that you wanted, but still depend on the guy if he wants to talk about this matter or not... Well, you can ignore this comment and not post this up if you think this is full of crap...hahahaha im ok with it...at least i know im bad at this kinda things... But please don't put yourself in a bad state, take good care of yourself, like what you have said just now, there's a reason for everything. Pray bout it.... Im sure HE'll be there for you!! Take care...
Cheer up... just decide what you want and dun get too influenced... :)
Thanks CK for your comment
nway im sure its not his friends, they barely know me and why would they be jealous? Most of them are in a relationship anyway so they should know better. ANd him thinking he is not good enough for me, well why dun he let me be the judge of it?!! Doesn't he realise that by doing that he is hurting me more? I would never want him to avoid me! If he cant forget me...then why try to?!! dont!!
and its ok if he doesn't want to talk abt some stuff coz it might be too personal but hey at least let me be there to cheer him up or at least let me have a vague idea of it?
but anyhow it wont make a difference coz he would never open up and if i ever want to talk abt it, it would only make him more angry or he would just change the topic so there...life!!
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