Self esteem -Narcissism or humility

Well what is self esteem we would ask? how is it properly defined? WEll according to wikipedia, self esteem or self-worth includes a person's subjective appraisal of himself or herself as positive or negative to some degree.Or as social psychology would define it, as how we, the people preview ourselves and carry ourselves about. Is it important one might ask? In my opinion, it does matter for it plays an important role in our life. Someone with a very high self esteem of himself or herself can be confident and proud and be viewed as a narcissis by other people or in other words a bitch? BUt at least he or she knows what he wants in life and is sure of getting it. But when it comes to someone with very low self esteem of himself or herself, one would be insecure, paranoid and this gives other people the opportunity to walk all over you and push you around and take advantage of you.
Therefore self esteem must be well balanced out both with a little narcissism and humility, to create a well balance person. Hm... unfortunately i cant apply it to me...My self esteem of myself is below average...And it somehow decreases whenever i am around people who are so confident of themselves... holding their head up high and knowing they look good and r sure of getting things they set their mind on. I really do admire these kinda people and really hope i can be like them one day... I always think i am a simple jane and somehow feel that i loose out to the more confident people. I feel so small next to them. I don't know how to act whenever i am around them and it sucks more because i am around them almost everyday.... Is it as easy as pulling myself up and changing my perception and being more confident? hm mayb.... and i am trying...but can't blame me with recent issues my self esteem drop even lower... I was used and made a fool ! and i fell for it. I was so depressed and din have anyone to turn too..And thanks to him i feel so low and insecure right now...haih...but im getting over it..as usual pulling myself through again..=)
This whole self esteem thingy is an issue now for me... Trying to bring it back up..Im worth it...Im nice, easy going, talkative, i care for people..somethings too much, humble...hm..Im worth it!!! =) lol..sounds like some self inspiring blog...lol..heck we need it once in a while to make us feel better because some people are just out there to make u feel bad about yourself and bring down your self esteem...Oh well enough of this..Im stuck here blogging while sneha, rad and nadeem are cuddling outside in blankets watching a horror film and i wanna join already!!! im freezing here too!
tataz!!












The picture one the left is narcissis gazing at his reflection in the river admiring his looks and the picture on the right his Jesus being so humble he is washing the feet of a normal villager despite his status... narcissism versus humility

I get misunderstood and taken for granted!

I get misunderstood!!! People don't understand me and it hurts me so when they make false judegement about me. Everything that i am commited to do i have given a 100% and only once in a while i slack off and due to that people use that against me and blame me and conveniently forget about the things i HAVE done. I am only human why is it that my mistakes are always a big blaring red sign saying blame me i have made a mistake and the things i have done and worked for is easily forgotten? Why am i always blamed for what other people do ?? And then they conveniently blame the group and not that particular individual??
Right now whats on my mind is my dance practises...It hurts me so that my choreographer is mad and actually posted a bulletin complaining about how he has to go around asking us to go for dance practises and he is mad that we always involve our personal issues and tiredness when it comes to dance! It frustrates me so, because in actual truth I AM always the one there first, waiting to dance and when it comes to the practises i actually do the whole routine properly without messing much up with full energy... I never go for cigarrete breaks and take like a gazillion years to come back i never have my bf there to distract things nor have i throw a tantrum about being too tired and just walked off... I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE.... ok like i said before i am only human...when i am really tired and slack off a bit or ask for a cancelation of the dance practise i get blame to hell!! What really hurt me was that i has hold up by an assignment which i stayed up whole night to do and did not get any sleep, then i had to drag myself to college for classes and to hand in my assignment, a little request of canceling the dance practise ended up to a bitter bulletin on friendster by my chereographer... I was sooo tired.. and it was just a day!!! and if in the past it was always due to good reasons.... when my chereographer has meetings he has to attend i would wait at the mamak for hours for him to be free...sometimes after all the waiting he cancels the practise and all the waiting was in vain. but if i was late for practise for like 5 mins i get messages from him saying its ok you dun have to come its up to u since u take the dance so lightly...etc etc making me feel sooo bad!!! I AM ONLY HUMAN and mind you i have never let my personal issues mix with my dance practises or anything else...It has always been kept inside and i have always put on a facade that i am fine and try to put on a smile so why do i get the blame for other people's fault?!

Why is it that when u go to somewhere new and when u start off close to someone the people automatically judge both of you as one?! two peas in a pot, with the same attitude and behaviour??! I am sooo different from this gal, she has her views and i have my views, and yet people totally forget or not bother to know me and judge me according to her personality? I dun have a identity!!!!! why cant people know me and judge me for who i am and not other people?! and this applies to even my friends... I am being blamed for things i do not do!!!! like i said for the dance I Am ALWAYS THERE! i love dancing!! i give it my all!! ok maybe there are times where i disappoint my chereographer but i am only human and we all make mistakes but i dun think i made that much mistakes and give that much problems till he has to complain about the dancer and include me in the bulletin.... It hurts so much for this judgement... I am being misunderstood and generalised!!! why is it that all the good intentions in me seem to be misread and being pushed around? Do i have to be a bitch to be heard, not to be taken for granted? To be a bitch where i am numb to all feelings and emotions?!! Is that what i have to become to survive in this harsh cruel world?!!

Hurt...Made a fool!

I have realised how vulnerable i have been lately...Coming to Kl i am beginning to loose my identity and to question whether should I change to be " accepted". Smoking, clubbing socializing was never my cup of tea but it seems to be the "in" thing... That is fun and if you don't go along with it, your a mood buster, a wet blanket, "uncool" person. Do i have to give in to be accepted? and how far would i go just to be accepted?! Does it really matter?

Anyhow...lately i have been so vulnerable, wanting someone to be there to care for me and to understand me and to see me as who i am and accept it...in other words i have been" desperate" to look for a good guy... One who would be there for me and cheer me up and support me through anything... and i was a fool enough to believe the words of this guy who ended up treating me like trash... He started off like any guy like him would do with the charming sweet talks and wanting to know me better and all and without a doubt i did admit i was attracted to him for a moment... and was actually living in denial that though my heart tells me he is not right for me but my mind refuse to believe it and want to give him a chance... Well his ex gf wants him back and she has been trying... I dun really know the whole story but few days ago i have not heard or seen from this guy G for some time only to find out from my friends that he has some "family problems" i actually pitied him and wanted to be there for him only to find out that it was not a "family problem" but his ex.... She tried commiting suicide by jumping into a pond...* smirks* got herself admitted into e hospital where her mom and his parents got involved... Makes me wonder how was or how desperate a girl would go to get her bf back.. In my opinion its lame and low of her or is it not? Do you really do somethng like this to get back the one u love? Was it really love? or was it just a competition for her..? I'll never know..

Anyway, when all this is happening he did message me telling me he loves me and that he wont let any shit come between us and no matter how many people try to not make it work he will never let that happen...*Bullshit* in the midst of all this he can message me that.... Then one day, like every other normal day i go to college oblivious of anything that is happening, i suddenly got a phone call from his MOM!!! something abt his phone bill getting high and she noticed he has been messaging me bla bla...cant remember the crap le...and then his ex messaging me saying that she is his gf and that they have been together for 6 months and that he promised her to back off from me and all so she would appreciate it if i stop mesaging him. Mind you i never was the one who started messaging him...He did and after that mesage he still did... Then i got worked up, was angry that he never explained to me what is happening so i messsage him asking for an explaination and he conveniently off his phone. The next day still nothing from him but i got another message from his ex saying something like G only got with me because he was insecure about her because she lied to him a few times so she ask me to not feel all that...wth?!! still nothing from him...then during dinner, my friend showed me a message from him, plz if u see amanda tell her to stop messaging me because i got back with my ex.... HE DID NOT HAVE THE DECENCY TO AT LEAST MESSAGE ME!! he has to message my friend...did not have the decency to at least explain to me!! I would understand you know!! And they call themselves men!!! I feel so used and such a fool....I have seen this coming and yet i let myself be a fool!!!He is not even worth my tears..

Feeling so low right now, wanting my friends to be there and cheer me up but instead they are going clubbing.... In their opinion why am i feeling so down about it? at least we werent in a relationship but i just cant help feeling low...my self esteem abt myself what is left is gone down the drain....feeling so low.... who r my true friends? But of course i wont want them to be stuck with me when they want to go an enjoy themselves rite? Well... ill get over it...i always do...

feeling vulnerable, plz dun hurt me....

I dun know if its the lack of sleep or the stress from everything but lately i have been feeling sooo low....and i dun know who to turn too... A plea for help and silence in response...wandering with no sense of belonging... a white rose on broken glass... paranoid...insecure...longing...

It has been hell....whatever i do seems wrong...whatever i am being faced with is testing my better judgement...people are being mean, selfish, and childish...things are being misunderstood..the longing is growing, the confusion expanding...work is piling, body weighing down, cash-running low, being misjudged, trying to be different, wanting to be accepted, doing my best, focusing, wanting, realization, mad, irritated, missing, self esteem, being hurt, - Fear-

Few words to describe me...Too tired to put it in sentences...would turn out confusing anyway...so why bother!

Performance at UCSI!!

Gosh lately all i can think about is dance dance and more dance...There have been so many offers and we have been so busy. The most recent one was a dance at UCSI as guess performers on their Indian Cultural NIght. We had to go for auditions which we of course got through then on Friday, the last day of exams we had to go back for a full rehearsal and gosh it was like ICS 2 repeating itself!! there wasn't any air cond!!! It was sooo freaking hot!! And there were so many people running here and there increasing the temperature in the hall! God free sauna!! haha Then Sat, woke up, found out ridzuan had no electricity...damn!! had to take all my things to nadeem's place...showered, put on make up and did my hair then we all left for UCSI at about 5..The event only started at 7.45 pm plus and we had to wait for 5 performances before we got our turn.. Was sooo nervous..The hall was full! and oooo guess what!!! Resh MOnu A( is that how u spell his name) was there!! for the lucky draw thingy!! and ooo he was impressed with our dance!! haha...MAY....Be we can perform as back up dancers for his next video clip?! =P haha fat hopes...
Then came our turn! finally!!! lol the response from the audience was great! They were cheering on like anything!! lol...it was great!! Then just sat around till we got really bored coz there were too many singing performances....Got bored plus it was late already therefore we left, had dinner then went home...now im here uploading pics and blogging..haha... I quote nadeem " NEXT practise!! monday!!" unquote! lol that guy never give it a rest! lol...next event...9th April! wooohooo...lol bring it on!!

Dreaming Of You

Selena; Dreaming Of You

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
CHORUS I:
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you ever see me and
I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside would you even care
I just wanna hold you close but so far
All I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day (wait for the day)
And the courage to say
How much I love you (yes I do)
CHORUS II:
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world that I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Bridge:
I can't stop dreaming of you
I can't stop dreaming
I can't stop dreaming of you
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe
That you came up to me and said I love you
I love you too
Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Til tomorrow and for all my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room
Dreaming with you endlessly
[repeat chorus II till fade]

Gosh this song means so much... It is what i am going through or doing right now...lol..anyway i loved this song since i was very young!!! and still do!! nway the second half has yet to happen...

I want to crawl under my comforter and die...

Its 2.17 am and i got an exams coming up tmrw...and for this exam, MArketing believe it or not till now at this hour i am still totally clueless about this subject...Im serious no kidding...absolutely 100% cluless.... Gosh and i cant bring myself to study...I dun have the mood and im to worked up about the things i am going through rite now... It's like someone is testing to see how far i can take it before i actually do something stupid to end it all... I am being tested to my furthest limits and i am beginning to brake under the pressure... God help me! I really do need your guidance right now...
I need someone to tell me what to do.. To guide me because I am already totally lost right now.. everything i decide to do seems to be wrong!! Today i have already been on the verge of tears twice!! Sitting down at starbucks i almost cried!! Wish i did, wish i could just let it all out!! Why is it so confusing? why am i being put through this emotional torture? I am feeling physically, emotionally and mentally drained.. I need my life back...I need to find out who am i and what i want...and get my priorities back in check.... oh gosh....!!!
i cant crap anymore..,my mind is getting blank by the moment...Im exhausted... i like him so... i need to get out of denial...and get over him...

It's 5.11am and im up!

Gosh its finally over!! What a hectic week, and with a snap of my fingers its already over!! haih.... Firstly the performance on 3rd of March in Spice Garden for some Indian event....gosh it turned out to be a social gathering where men gather to get hook up by women... But we were just performers...So half the day we hang out at the terrace waiting for our turn getting bored and me getting irritated with someone...Then Rad overheard a conversation where a man asked the MC lady how much we cost!!! what an insult! argh!!! and gosh the people there we rich snobs!! Looked at us from up and down and some with disapproving looks! whatever.. At least we got paid for performing and its an eye opener for us to the real world, and what kind of people are there... and well we got free liquor from the bar... good news for some so they hit it and gosh...citizen high to citizen low...that night was sucky for me le....i was so irritated and pissed...oh well...
Then we got home, slept and had to get up early for dance audition for UCSI on their Indian culture night.. was so tired. had to travel to Cheras, performed, then went back, me n sneha went to the saloon to wash and blow dry our hair since it is in a bad condition after Friday night's performance, then went back slept for an hour plus then had to get up and get ready for our final performance which is for a Spanish night organised by the Hotel School..Gosh the food served there looked so nice!! the presentation and all...Made me wanna join Hotel School just for it...so nice...Anyway then came our performance and guess what?!!!! I MADE SOO MANY MISTAKES!!! OBVIOUS ONES!!! argh!!! was so depressed!! in front of so many people!! haih..then someone pissed me off again so i was kinda in a bad mood till later that night.. We were served some nice drinks!!! Red wine with some fruits, sherbet!!, Long Island, some other drink and gosh thick chocolate drink with a bit of rum! haha nice nice!!! Then the night is over, and we hang around for a while while they clean up and we sat around and chatted with gary and all...Hey at least my group of friends are expanding...to the Hotel school! hehe..Then we all went to pan bakery to eat then to ridzuan to chit chat then all went back...Now im here typing away coz i cant sleep thanks to the teh ais! argh so im blogging..
Ah finally the whole busy week is over now have to focus on studies coz the exams are coming up...haih..i got one week break! yay! haha...ooo i can sleep without setting the alarm! that is nice! yay.... bored...i love the song by keith urban; tonight i wanna cry...so meaningful! haih.... busy busy le...i need a holiday!! oh well im out le..wanna watch sex n the city then zzzz...
tataz!!