Hurt...Made a fool!

I have realised how vulnerable i have been lately...Coming to Kl i am beginning to loose my identity and to question whether should I change to be " accepted". Smoking, clubbing socializing was never my cup of tea but it seems to be the "in" thing... That is fun and if you don't go along with it, your a mood buster, a wet blanket, "uncool" person. Do i have to give in to be accepted? and how far would i go just to be accepted?! Does it really matter?

Anyhow...lately i have been so vulnerable, wanting someone to be there to care for me and to understand me and to see me as who i am and accept it...in other words i have been" desperate" to look for a good guy... One who would be there for me and cheer me up and support me through anything... and i was a fool enough to believe the words of this guy who ended up treating me like trash... He started off like any guy like him would do with the charming sweet talks and wanting to know me better and all and without a doubt i did admit i was attracted to him for a moment... and was actually living in denial that though my heart tells me he is not right for me but my mind refuse to believe it and want to give him a chance... Well his ex gf wants him back and she has been trying... I dun really know the whole story but few days ago i have not heard or seen from this guy G for some time only to find out from my friends that he has some "family problems" i actually pitied him and wanted to be there for him only to find out that it was not a "family problem" but his ex.... She tried commiting suicide by jumping into a pond...* smirks* got herself admitted into e hospital where her mom and his parents got involved... Makes me wonder how was or how desperate a girl would go to get her bf back.. In my opinion its lame and low of her or is it not? Do you really do somethng like this to get back the one u love? Was it really love? or was it just a competition for her..? I'll never know..

Anyway, when all this is happening he did message me telling me he loves me and that he wont let any shit come between us and no matter how many people try to not make it work he will never let that happen...*Bullshit* in the midst of all this he can message me that.... Then one day, like every other normal day i go to college oblivious of anything that is happening, i suddenly got a phone call from his MOM!!! something abt his phone bill getting high and she noticed he has been messaging me bla bla...cant remember the crap le...and then his ex messaging me saying that she is his gf and that they have been together for 6 months and that he promised her to back off from me and all so she would appreciate it if i stop mesaging him. Mind you i never was the one who started messaging him...He did and after that mesage he still did... Then i got worked up, was angry that he never explained to me what is happening so i messsage him asking for an explaination and he conveniently off his phone. The next day still nothing from him but i got another message from his ex saying something like G only got with me because he was insecure about her because she lied to him a few times so she ask me to not feel all that...wth?!! still nothing from him...then during dinner, my friend showed me a message from him, plz if u see amanda tell her to stop messaging me because i got back with my ex.... HE DID NOT HAVE THE DECENCY TO AT LEAST MESSAGE ME!! he has to message my friend...did not have the decency to at least explain to me!! I would understand you know!! And they call themselves men!!! I feel so used and such a fool....I have seen this coming and yet i let myself be a fool!!!He is not even worth my tears..

Feeling so low right now, wanting my friends to be there and cheer me up but instead they are going clubbing.... In their opinion why am i feeling so down about it? at least we werent in a relationship but i just cant help feeling low...my self esteem abt myself what is left is gone down the drain....feeling so low.... who r my true friends? But of course i wont want them to be stuck with me when they want to go an enjoy themselves rite? Well... ill get over it...i always do...